原来最残忍的画面可以甜言目语。 (Friday, July 17, 2009)
My Heart's Far Worse than That. Mine's broken into a Billion, Trillion pieces. Unmendable.我不知道为什么我会有这么大的反应。
可能因为是她吧。我真的不知道。
可能是我太敏感吧。
现在的我，没灵魂似的。
在家人面前，要装出一副开心的样子。这真的很难。
过了今天的电影，我似乎死了。
我真的觉得我彻底地失败了。
出了电影院，我就开始魂不守舍。
为什么你会让我有这么大的反应？
我现在快疯了！
我会尝试去恨你。我真的很累了。如果喜欢你会带来像我现在拥有的悲伤，那我宁愿恨你。
我知道这会非常困难，但我也知道，我有必要尝试。不然的话，我是真的放不下你的。
我现在一边写着，一边哭着。我喜欢你真的喜欢得很痛苦。
何必呢？
我也常常问我自己。
原来 - lin jun jie
原来
街灯绊 住我眼前下一步
拉长的 影子嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话 一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我 会是如何入睡
*Chorus
原来最疼痛的表情 竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面 可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地 跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是 我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是 我不能面对自己
你收的干净 我也会不留一点痕迹
说故事也要像是真的
是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句 一句话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡
*x2
这首歌，真的很明确的表达我现在的心情。
I really can't control myself now. Why am i reacting this way?
at bugis, i was trying so hard, so so hard to hold back those damned tears.
am i overreacting? or is this acceptable?
I felt bliss, BLISS when i stood next to you on the lift. I'm totally going crazy.
I'm going to need counselling soon, or the next thing i'd do is self inflict harm.
I told you i'd try to hate you. But what difference is that making now?
Its so freaking hard to look into your eyes and not feel anything. Its so damn freaking hard.
Every word you say, every move you take, it affects me so much, to the extent that i'd always assess it.
You're practically taking away my soul. Now i'm just a empty shell.
I think the only think that's keeping me humane is the fact that i'm still breathing.
I'm hurting so much that even when i tripped and knocked my head, i felt nothing as compared to my aching heart.
This is driving me crazy.
I don't know how to start hating you. I really don't. Maybe the first thing i'd do is to stop turning my head around everytime you say something out loud in class. Yeah.
Avoiding you would be easy. Thats normally what I do, anyway.
This sucks.
Now i wish i was edward cullen. Then i read minds and read what he actually thought.
I know there's nothing between them. I know that perfectly well. But there's nothing between him and i either, so what right do i have to care what he does? The only thing between him and i is probably my undying, unrequited love for him.
its almost 1.5 years since i felt something for him. 1 and a half years. since 20th january 2008.
On my birthday, before i blew out the candles, my wish was for him to remember. can you believe that?
I got so happy, so elated by just one minute of him caring about me.
ohmygod. -.-
in the past, i wanted to stop liking him for the one fact that I didn't want to bother him with my liking for him.
I didn't want to hold him back or anything, because at that time i knew that he had to concentrate on his studies, and that was that,
but why am i always the only one hurting so much?
i don't know what came over me after the movie. In the movie i was still fine. I was still laughing off the fact that he and she were acting so much like a couple. it didn't hurt so much. it didn't occur to me that i would want to leave the cinema. i laughed it off. i really did. i didn't have to hold back my tears IN the cinema itself. I didn't have to.
but why is it so weird that this stupid green eyed monster, aka jealousy, came over me only after the movie. maybe its because of that smug face i saw upon her face. and the thought that she actually posted nasty stuff about me on her blog before. and the thought that she knew she 'won' me. in exams, in looks, in whatever. she posted so damned many bad stuff about me on her blog.
i think i finally know the reason why. because it was her that he was so close to. because it was her that sat next to him in the cinema.
because it was her, who leaned so close to him, that i couldn't stand.
i felt utterly lost after the movie. i felt i really lost to her. shit. :/
now, all i want is to get over this. I don't know how, but i will try.
I'll try to keep my distance, i'd try not to look at him, otherwise when i chance upon his eyes it'll get worse for me.
Just read her blog. her old archives. i felt so so so so sad the first time i read it. she didn't even SEEM like she hated me.
but i really do hope she doesn't hate me anymore. she seems much better though. but it doesn't mean that she treats me as a friend again.
I still dont know what made her hate me in the first place. was it because i was good friends with yingzhe? ah i don't know.
but whatever,
feeling kinda better after saying all this out.
ok i'm done ranting.
now, i don't even know what i'm thinking. ugh.
whatever.
this post is done.
type anymore and my hands will have blisters and my heart will start aching as bad as the last time again.
bye.
- nicole. ):